Some of these “helping” behaviors might be okay if they happened only once and came with other, more concrete forms of support. Enablers, even if well-intentioned, allow a person to continue destructive behaviors. The opposite of an enabler is someone who prevents or discourages another person from engaging in destructive behaviors.
Accidental enablers can use boundaries to stop the cycle. Giving them non-specific help (like money) that doesn’t support a well-defined goal I don’t just mean literally cleaning up their messes (though I’m sure plenty of people do this as a means to “help”).
How to Recognize (and Correct) Enabling Behavior
Support groups like Al-Anon may be useful for people whose loved ones are living with addiction. That is, accept that you’ve played a part in perpetuating unacceptable behaviors in your loved one and make a commitment to breaking the cycle. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous. Enabling can be hard to spot for the people within the enabling relationship. Making excuses can be one way you help cover up problematic behavior and keep your loved one from being held accountable for their actions.
Enabling Overprotective Parenting
Not only does this positively reinforce good behaviors but also strengthens the trust between you. When the person is ready to change–to get off drugs, leave a toxic relationship, make a monthly budget–you can be ready to keep them accountable if they ask for help. Now that you’ve relinquished control, turn your attention to the person you’re trying to help. Neither shaming nor excusing helps a person change their behavior, and going back and forth between the two is even worse. If you put your foot down on not loaning money to your brother until three agreed upon monthly payments on previous loans, don’t waffle after two months. It’s not letting those boundaries slip when the going gets tough for your loved one that’s the hard part.
- Provide reasonable logistical support and attention
- “Enabling happens when you see a loved one making unhealthy life choices, so you assume the role of problem solver.
- If you state a consequence, it’s important to follow through.
- Not to be confused, enabling doesn’t mean that a person thinks the behaviors of the other person are okay, but they might tolerate them because they don’t know how to better handle the situation.
- They might think, “It’s my job to protect him because we’re family,” but in reality, they’re shielding him from the consequences he needs to face to grow.
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Enabling behavior is typically driven by hope, guilt, fear, and love. Breaking this pattern can be the first step toward breaking the cycle of harmful behavior. Giving a family member living with a substance use disorder the money to buy drugs. John C. Umhau, MD, MPH, CPE is board-certified in addiction medicine and preventative medicine.
- When someone you love is struggling, it’s natural to want to help.
- In the desperate stage of enabling, the enabler is primarily motivated by fear.
- Enabling can look like being a cover up for others, helping them avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, or feeling too nervous to set boundaries.
- Their sympathy overflows, and they want so much to help their loved one.
- That’s easier said than done a lot of times.
Sacrificing or struggling to recognize your own needs
This can make it more likely they’ll continue to behave in the same way and keep taking advantage of your help. Not following through lets your loved one know nothing will happen when they keep doing the same thing. If you state a consequence, it’s important to follow through. But you also work full time and need the evenings to care for yourself. The reason you’re letting your needs go unmet matters. You remember when they drank very little, so you tell yourself they don’t have a problem.
I started out by listing unhelpful enabling behaviors, such as repeatedly lending money without accountability, with the caveat that sometimes a concrete piece of support could be appropriate. Sometimes, enablers don’t realize that they aren’t helping the other person and are allowing destructive or unhealthy behaviors to continue. In therapy, you can start identifying enabling behaviors and get support as you learn to help your loved one in healthier ways. When you engage in enabling behaviors, you may find that the bulk of your time and energy is focused on the other person. The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors.
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For the enabler, this can be emotionally draining and damaging to their self-esteem. However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them. “But it’s important to recognize when enough is enough and to make changes, for their good and your own.” “For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set. That’s easier said than done a lot of times. “The person needs to know that they can no longer manipulate the situation as they’ve done in the past.”
Motivations Behind Enabling Behavior
However, many people who enable others don’t do so intentionally. This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship. You might feel torn seeing your loved one face a difficult moment.
For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions. However, enablers can be victims of narcissistic abuse, or people can be enablers to individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). No, usually enablers have a heightened sense of empathy, which is why it can be difficult for them to hold the other person accountable or allow them to face consequences. Recognizing where this behavior comes from and setting healthy boundaries is the first step toward breaking the cycle and building healthier, stronger relationships. This is why it is so important to encourage loved ones to seek things like addiction treatment, support groups, or detox opportunities so that they can get the help they need from health professionals. It can quickly turn into a draining and unhealthy relationship when loved ones try to provide support they aren’t qualified for.
What is enabling?
He took her hard-earned money and gambled it away. When I was younger, a story about my favorite cousin, a beautiful young woman who had married a man with an alcohol and gambling problem, worked its way through the family grapevine. Arguments, distance, and hurt feelings are part…
When ‘helping’ others is unhealthy for you, it’s time to set firm boundaries Therapists often work with people who find themselves enabling loved ones to help them address these patterns and offer support in more helpful and positive ways. You may feel obligated to continue helping even when you don’t want to.
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Enabling behaviors can be common in codependent relationships. As with other behaviors, you can manage and change enabling tendencies. Often, people are unaware they are enabling their loved ones and have good intentions.
It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem. Someone struggling with depression may have a hard time getting out of bed each day. They prevent your child from experiencing academic consequences that could affect their future. Helping them out each month won’t teach them how to manage their money. Your adult child struggles to manage their money and never has enough to pay their rent.
An enabler is a person who allows someone close to them to continue unhealthy or self-destructive patterns of behavior. If this is sounding familiar, it may be time to reassess your role in allowing problematic behaviors to continue. In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains.
This behavior is commonly seen in relationships involving addiction, but it can also occur in various other contexts, such as overprotective parenting or dysfunctional workplace dynamics. It gives them permission to feel good about themselves, which is probably not easy for them if they’ve been struggling enabler psychology with unhealthy behaviors for a while. That doesn’t mean you condone their unhealthy behaviors; it simply means you acknowledge their intrinsic validity as a person. Before you start to help someone, it’s important to acknowledge that you can’t control another person’s behavior, and it’s not your job to do so.
This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors. Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time. Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated.
